What's Going On: Procrastination and The Excuse

"I am still only in (not 'with') Evalueserve." Every time I wake up, I wish I were in a hotel room, shrugging the weariness from the last night's party and preparing for the day ahead - a typical morning for a high-profile executive. As the day would progress, however, I will think, "What's the use of this lifestyle, working far away from my family in this alien land. I was never a party animal anyways, and I felt comfortable only with my family and friends, living in a place where change comes very slowly. I don't know why I chose this lifestyle." 

These thoughts on the present and possibilities take me to only one place: nowhere.

Yes, nowhere I have gone in last several years.The excuse part, I have already mentioned. Now comes the procrastination part.

All the time, contrary to universal wisdom, I believe that time is in abundance and it's never too late to start a thing. (The funny part is that I am always the "busy" one amongst my friends.) This belief combined with a false sense of perseverance - I have been fighting to get admission to an MBA college since eternity - and a weakness called lack of concentration makes going nowhere permanent.

These two pillars, procrastination and excuses, might not have been that strong had I believed in society. But, build on a strong foundation of individualism - I never heed to any advice given by my family and friends - these pillars are very difficult to demolish.

So, I am waiting for the interlude between the present and the future that would read, "Animesh Srivastava did something."

Life and Cosθ

Well this post is an anachronism, it should have been published one year earlier. Nothing has changed though; it's just that the amplitude of cosθ has decreased on the positive side and increased on the negative side during this one year. But before describing this change, let me first elaborate on the title 'Life and Cosθ'.

The cycle of cosθ starts every morning; morning defined by the time I wake up. When I wake up, I don't get up instantly. I keep my eyes closed and make resolutions; resolutions like from today I will do something new in the office, i will start something good that would shine on my resume, i will be more confident, i will start speaking fluent English, i will not reject any call, I will work like a professional, I will eat good, and so on.

Then, I get ready for the office and because I wake up late, I don't spend much time in getting ready - 15-20 minutes at max - leaving no time for contemplations. And more often than not I get irritated while getting ready; the reasons of the irritation generally are trivial like I discover that clothes aren't ironed, my wallet or i-card are nowhere to be seen, or the cab reaches on time.Cosθ starts going down.

I reach office and I am received by fresh faces, laughter on those faces, various colors adorning those faces and smile of old friends. These are the moments when I think about my resolutions and feel more enthusiastic and stronger to fulfill them. A little deviation from cosθ.

With opening of my computer, however, the good thoughts get burdened by the load of work. At first the enthusiasm and energy keeps the load at bay making the work a platform to grow upon. But it lasts for a few minutes only and the thoughts, the enthusiasm and the energy get under the work. It goes like this till lunch. Cosθ strikes back.

After lunch the matters get worse when 'management' starts taking updates and giving suggestions. Worst happens when meetings are convened to discuss future plans. How naive they sound; no how ignorant they seem when they speak - just imagine a cup that thinks it is filled but actually is empty. If I were not used to afternoon siesta, it would again have been a deviation from Cosθ; this time a straight line going to negative infinity.

Things go like this during 'normal' office hours. Forget about resolutions, the confidence takes a deep plunge, I can't find words to complete even the simplest sentences, I reply rudely to team members, and breaks become more frequent. 'Normal' office hours end with most of the disciplined and professional people gone in cabs. With the cabs gone, my professionalism goes for a toss and Hindi adjectives for work and 'management' become fixtures of every sentence. About food,during these hours it could easily define 'junk food'. Cosθ nears its bottom.

With Cosθ approaching its bottom, a moment comes when it couldn't go any worse and the only direction it can go is upwards.

Cosθ starts going upwards minutes before I leave the office. I start planning about things to do when I reach my house; things that could be done in remaining time of the day.

Generally by the time I reach my house, I get so tired that the planned things just couldn't be done. But I remain in high spirits - inspired to change my life and the world around me. With these high spirits, I go to bed and the sleep takes the inspirational spirits to their peak. Cosθ continues its upward journey and just when I get up next morning, it reaches its peak.

Now don't look at the difference in number of words I spent describing downward journey and upward journey of Cosθ, the time spent by Cosθ on both these paths is nearly the same as Cosθ in its upward journey spans the sleeping time also.

This journey of life over the cycle of Cosθ is nothing but a part of a bigger picture, which will be presented in next two articles - 'Life, Cosθ and the Wall' and 'Life, Cosθ and the Circle'. Till then let me enjoy my weekend, one day of which is spent in wondering how quickly the weekdays went by and the other day is spent in worrying how I would spent next 5 weekdays.

Freedom, Opinions and Life

“Have you ever considered any real freedoms? Freedom from the opinions of others...even the opinions of yourself?”.

What will be your answer to the above question, which as a matter of fact was asked by Col. Kurtz in Apocalypse Now. For me the answer is simple – No.

But why No is the next question, considering the fact that most of the times we never get to know what others think about us; those opinions are just perception based.

As for opinions of ourselves, we form opinions of ourselves just to differentiate ourselves from others and exalt ourselves - some examples – ‘I am great because I am writing an article on a single line taken from a 30 year old film’, ‘I am again great because I never complain about things’, or ‘I am more great because I know I am not bold enough to look that certain girl in her eyes’ – what rubbish assuming our weaknesses to be our strengths - had I been that great these things would never have come into my mind. Opinions, indeed, what bondage and what a waste of time…

PS: Why do we live? Is it because some said “Life is the greatest gift”, or because in our nascent years we decided to achieve an ultimate objective - something like ruling the world? Well I don’t think so.

I think most of us have tendency to fix short-term targets and the quest of achieving them becomes what we call life. This leads us to the next question, what keeps us motivated during the quest. Is it not affection and appreciation; the affection and appreciation not only in eyes of others, but in our own eyes as well. And except for blood relations, I think the affection and appreciation originate from opinions.

Opinions, once again….On one side they are bondage and waste of time and on the other side they are the essence of our lives…

So, getting rid of opinions is the only way to achieve real freedom, but do we need real freedom is the question…

Animesh

I Just Woke Up to Say I Love You

It started with the approach of adolescence, when the days became longer conforming to newfound expectations. Expectations to perform, to achieve a place in a good institute. Expectations that enervate vivacity from a adolescent mind. 

It was then you came with a whiff of positive energy. It was then, I dared to meet you not fearing the enigma that had haunted me for all my childhood days. It was you who made me understand that our present, not our worries about future actually decides our future.

Soon afterwards, I got admission in IT-BHU. Here our meetings became more longer and my affinity more stronger. We spent times together on lonely roads amid high trees and majestic buildings who listened to our serenades and made us feel like king and queen of a vast state. Here you introduced me to new friends with whom we spent great time. We laughed, we sighed; we celebrated, we cried; we played, we read; we talked, we listened; we watched, we sang; we ran, we walked,we slept; we drank, we ate, and we breathed together. I knew that they also adored you, but I was also sure that my devotion far exceeds their affection. 

Days fled by and I got a job in NCR, India. Here in this cosmopolition, in crowd of tens of millions, I found myself alone like never before, staying away from my family and friends. Sure I found new friends, but it was you who spared me time whenever I felt lonely, inspite of the remodeling of the vast empire with high trees and majestic buildings into office enclosure with computers and computers. Your presence always gave me precious times to face difficult situations.

It would fill volumes, if I start describing your beauty, so in adoration i would just add the following line. It is said that night is darkest before the dawn, but i say, "You look most beautiful when you leave, sparing us a fresh impetus to work throughout the day and an incentive to wait for our next date".

Hello Readers.............
it's been nearly 2 years since i created my profile on Blogspot.....but have waited for a perfect topic to write on.......
today suddenly it struck to me that when "Perfection is Not Perfect in itself, how can any topic be".....and lo you are reading my first post....

The concept of 'Perfection is not perfect in itself'.........comes from a Hindi poem in which a line read "jab poornata swayam me poorna nahi hai.........". Though I read this poem back in my school days and even remembered this line for all these years.......I never followed it, at least to start anything new. At end of everyday i thought, even while writing this post i am thinking........ 'today is gone so why to worry about it, lets enjoy whatever time is left today, and i'll have my perfect start from tommorrow morning'.........the perfect start was supposed to be for....getting up early in the morning, IIT preparation, learning 10 new words, learning to drive car, getting to class on time, running, sitting, eating, speaking, sleeping........everything.....everything....except for dreaming......that from tomorrow morning......it will start.......but I guess that tomorrow morning never came....

But, if I look back, I lived every 'today' to its full extent.....because along with the start, the prerequisites for the start moved to tomorrow.....and also because I on every today I thought......'from tomorrow I will be dedicated to the new start so lets enjoy today....'. This all is something like 'haan manzil se behtar lagne lage hain raaste'.....

Ah! reading the above post....I would just say.....'it is as difficult for me to change as it is diffcult to improve Perfection'....

Animesh (Friend)